Monday, April 2, 2012

Moments of Clarity

April 5th my sweet Marcus would be 9 months old. It is hard to believe but in just three short months he would be one year old. It has been hard seeing all the pictures of peoples sweet babies in the Texas bluebonnets or the pictures of them playing in kiddie pools in the backyard. Feeling such mixed emotions as I am so happy to be expecting Jack in August and still so sad that I am missing out on all those things with Marc.

I am still trying to fully accept that this is my life now. Living without Marc is never going to get easier because I am always going to be seeing a child that would be his age and thinking about what we would be doing if things had been different. However, slowly the pain is getting easier to carry. Sometimes I actually like to see those pictures of peoples babies that are close to how old Marc would be. It is a strange wistful feeling, longing for a glimpse of what he would be like right now. How big would he be, what kinds of things would he be learning right now? I guess in that way he continues to live on in my daydreams.

One thing I still struggle with is something that is really hard to explain but I will try. Sometimes, mostly in the middle of the night or early morning when I just wake up or get up for whatever reason I have this awful moment of clarity. Sometimes it hits me during the day too though, it can happen at work or driving somewhere. Usually it happens when I have a moment where I am not thinking of anything else.

This moment of clarity and a true understanding of the finality of my situation. It's like I feel intensely for just a few moments exactly the same weight of pain and stabbing heartache that I felt the moment the doctor told me Marc was brain dead and I would not be taking him home.

In those moments it is like I live in a fog all the other times. The other times when I seem fine or happy are times when I am pushing the horrible facts of what happened and why it happened to me. This unclouded view that my baby died and the realization that this is now the life I have to live.

I did not really want to admit this but those times right before those moments of clarity are usually a moment of major confusion. When I wake up in the middle of the night, usually to go pee because Jack is pushing on my bladder, I have to actually think about whether this was all a dream....or horrible nightmare. I mean I wake up and I am pregnant and going to the bathroom...did I dream that Marc died? Am I still pregnant with Marc? In that moment I really feel like a crazy person. No this is a different child, yes Marc is dead. Then the clearness. Then the pain and guilt. Pain for Marc and guilt for Jack because of the split second I thought I was still pregnant with Marc. I am reading this as I type and realizing again how crazy it sounds. I know Jack is my second child, I know he is not Marc and he is a separate person with his own personality. Having Jack does not replace Marc.
Still, I fear that I will feel like he is Marc when he is here. Does that even make any sense? Someone please tell me it does and that they even remotely understand what I am trying to explain.


  1. While my situation is different, I have felt that way to. I now have my rainbow baby here with me,and while I couldn't be happier at times, he often makes me think of what I've lost. I think of how life would have been with her, or with the tow of them. It gets easier with time, and I think it was a little easier for me that my rainbow is a different gender than the baby I lost. While it gets easier it with time, the feeling never goes away.

  2. Thank you! I talked to Amber Z from mend and she said she looks at her rainbow and thinks how much they look alike and things like that. She gave some good advice. She said that there will be times when you are tired and you wake up to feed Jack and you are half asleep and you might think for a split second you are holding Marc but she told me not to feel guilty but to look at it as a blessing that we get a glimpse into what things might have been like. That was a much nicer way to think about it than thinking that I am trying to make Jack into Marc, which I am not trying to do. :)

  3. Jenalea,

    I think your feelings are totally valid. While i am not on my next pregnancy journey yet, I often think about how when we do have another baby it will be like mothering two children and not just one. Not in a way that makes them the same person but by the fact that I will think about Cora and wonder if it would have been like this with her and get a chance to feel what it may have been like with her. With everything you do with Jack, Marc will still be there. You will love him as you love Jack. I would not feel guilty for it seems like it is very real to you that this baby is not Marc, even if the occasional confusion arises.


  4. I love reading your blog. I do it over and over. Everything you said makes perfect sense. I feel the exact same way at times. I wonder how it's going to feel when I'm pregnant with my rainbow. Thank you, again, for sharing. You make me feel so...normal.