Sunday, December 9, 2012

The Baby I Didn't Get to Know

I am so thankful for my husband, he is the only one who lost the same thing (a son) I lost when Marc died. 
Because Jack is only 13 months younger than Marc it seems like so much has happened since he died and I sometimes forget that we are still very early in our grieving process. We are still only 17 months  and four days out from the day I held my firstborn baby for the first and last time.
The other night I held baby Jack and as I talked to him and he looked into my eyes I realized something that made me cry. Marc walked in from work at that moment and saved me. He asked what was wrong and I told him that I realized the more I get to know Jack and his sweet personality the less it feels like I know baby Marc. The more it feels like baby Marc was just imagined. 
What does a husband say to make things better? Marc just knows there is nothing he can say to make it better. He said yes this is what we lost. We lost the future. We lost the chance to get to know our baby boy and that's the saddest part. We didn't get enough time. Not nearly enough. We grieve for what we have lost but we need to be thankful for the time we had and for what we have now. We have Jack. How bittersweet is the knowledge that we would not have Jack had Marc lived. How sweet is Jacks little smile and knowing that I do get the chance to know him. 
We talked for a while about what baby Marc might have been like. Maybe he would have been easy going like his little brother or maybe he would have been more high strung. 
My amazing husband knew that he couldn't fix the hurt and so he talked with me about our pain and then helped me be positive and thankful for what we do have. We have two sons, one in our heart and one in our arms. I will never know Marc. At least not the way I know Jack. I know Marc liked to suck his thumb because we had many ultrasounds and every time he was sucking his thumb. I know Marc kicked liked crazy during the fireworks on the Fourth of July, his last day. I know that even though I didn't get to know him like I should have he was my boy and I loved him.
As positive as we try to be and as thankful as I am for what I do have sometimes you just have to have a good cry, miss your baby and try to remember what it felt like to carry him.
I carried him his whole life and I knew him. I didn't get the chance to know him more but I knew him, my first baby boy and he was real.