Thursday, April 19, 2012

A Letter To My Rainbow Jack @ 23 Weeks

I am 23 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby Jack. I am so looking forward to meeting him and getting the chance to care for a newborn and experience all the things I was cheated out of with Baby Marc. Around this time in my pregnancy with Baby Marc I wrote him a letter and posted it to Facebook. I thought it would be appropriate to write a letter to little Jack at this point in my pregnancy as well.

To my sweet baby Jack Alan,

You are my second baby but from the moment you are born every experience in caring for you will be my first. You have a big brother named Marcus who you will see pictures of and hear stories about but you will not get to play with him because he died the day he was born. You will be arriving just one month after the first anniversary of his birth and death.  We like to call you our rainbow baby because you are bringing beauty back to our lives after a terrible storm.  You are already so very much loved, your daddy can already feel you move and he waits patiently with his hand on my tummy but you like to wait until he moves his hand to kick.
I have started reading to you. I like to read the book Guess How Much I Love You, the baby books say that you can hear us pretty well now so daddy talks to you too. We the nursery all finished in anticipation of your brothers arrival and when he did not get to come home the room that we loved became kind of a sad place for your daddy and I to go. When we found out that you were coming we knew that you would have Marc's room and I wanted to make it a happy place again. I wanted to make it a place that was yours. I added a rainbow to the mural I painted in the room when I was pregnant with your big brother and I also added your name in big letters. Your room is slowly becoming a place I like to be again, I sat in the rocking chair in your room and sang to you the other day.

I worry about you a lot because you like to move at night mostly and during the day I try to make you move so I know your doing alright. I think that you like to sleep too much and sometimes you won't budge even if I drink three glasses of orange juice to try make you hyper. We are still very sad that your big brother died, we miss him very much and because he died the day he was born it makes thinking about your birthday a little scary. We love you so much and we know how hard it is to lose a child and we are scared that we might lose you so it makes it hard to imagine getting to hold you and look into your eyes. But your mommy is an artist and imagination gets the best of me even when it is hard. I can see the doctor placing you in my arms, I can see the tears of joy on your daddy's face that you have arrived safely. What a beautiful day it will be, your birthday. There is no question that you will be intensely loved. We can thank your big brother Marc for showing us how precious life is and how we should never take any second we have to spend together for granted. We will take you to baseball games and your daddy will take you to watch the airplanes take off and land. I am excited to take you to the zoo even though you will be tiny and you probably will not care I will take you this year anyway. We will get to do all the things we did not get to do with your big brother and they will be even more special because we know how sad it is to miss out on those things.
Everyone is looking forward to meeting you and even though you don't get to play with your big brother you will get to play with you big cousin Kaden who will make his entrance into the world just 8 weeks before you. I know you two will be great friends, you will probably be more like brothers than cousins. You will be the third grand baby for your grandparents and the second nephew for your aunts and uncles.
You have a pretty great daddy who helps your mommy stay calm and not stress and worry too much. It's not good for you to have a stressed mommy and your daddy makes sure to listen and help as much as he can. He makes sure that I am feeding you enough and rubs my feet when they hurt from carrying you around in my belly all day. He comes to all your doctors appointments and we are both very excited to see you on the big screen in 3d in just four more weeks!
I hope that you will live a very long life. I hope that we can teach you how important it is to be kind and loving to those around you and to have an appreciation for how beautiful life can be even when there are times of despair. I hope that you will read this one day and know that in a sense you have saved our lives, we will always be sad for your brother and we will always miss him but your life has restored our purpose and hope. We can't wait to meet you! Just 17 more weeks until your due date but if you want to make come a few weeks early I won't complain.
My sweet baby boy I love you with all of my heart, Mama
Jack Alan Johnson

Here is the letter I wrote to Baby Marc when I was 21 weeks pregnant with him. I imagined myself reading it to him when he was grown and having children of his own. It is painful to read these words again but when I am having a good day sometimes I try to get through it and remember how happy he made me during the ten short months that I had the chance to carry him. 

Dear Baby Marc,

My sweet baby, I want you to know how much you are loved. We found out about you just five short months ago and from that moment I have loved you more that anything I have ever loved in my life. Just five weeks after we found out your daddy and I ran a half marathon and you got to come along for the ride. Thank you for waiting until the next week to make your mommy sick.

What an awesome responsibility I have been given to be your mother! I can already feel you exploring your little temporary home, but right now your little body is not strong enough to kick me too hard. Sometimes I will lay on the couch and wait for you to move, I love to feel your little kicks and I tell your daddy every time. You better get strong fast because he is starting to get a little jealous that he cannot feel yet.

Your daddy and I have already made up your room for you, sometimes we just sit in your room and talk. Your daddy and I talk about how much fun your are going to be. You are going to love playing with Enzo and Bently! We imagine you climbing on them and laughing. We are so excited about all the fun things we are going to do with you as you get older. I can't wait to take you to the zoo and show you the monkeys like the ones I painted on your wall. Daddy is excited to take you to your first baseball game. He is also excited to take you to watch the airplanes take off and land, his daddy used to take him when he was little. I like to look at pictures of your daddy when he was a baby, I tell him you are going to look just like him. Which is good because he is very handsome. We already have lots of pictures of you and a few videos because my friend does sonograms for you all the time. You might as well get used to it because your daddy loves to take pictures.

You will be living proof of the love that your daddy and I have. I am so happy that you will be able to grow up and see how much we love each other. I am happy you have such a good man in your life. You have the best daddy ever! He makes sure that mommy eats foods that are good for you, he rubs mommy's back almost every night since having you growing inside is making it hurt, and he listens to mommy read books about birth and babies all the time! Yep, you are one lucky baby.

Your aunts and uncles are excited to meet you too! You will be their first nephew! You will also be your grandma(s) and grandpa(s) first grand baby. You need to know that you are so wanted. You have so many people who already love you so much!

Just 19 more weeks and you will make your entrance in the comfort of our home, peacefully and safely on your own time. Your daddy and I cannot wait to meet you and get to know you. You will have your daddy's name but I know you are going to be your own little man. Although I hope you will inherit his good nature, sense of humor and enormous capacity to love.

With my whole heart, Mama
Marcus Alan Johnson Jr. 

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing these personal and beautiful words written from your heart. I did a mom it is hard not to...and as a mom who has lost a baby as well. But thank you for sharing. I think no one in the world deserves a baby more than parents that have had to bury their own. Much love to you Jenalea. I hope your heart is filled with as much peace as possible until little Jack makes his entry. I know it must be hard not to let your mind wander. Just remember how beautiful that rainbow will be after the storm.