I am so thankful to be able to write this blog today and be so positive. I am truly amazed at where I am today. This morning Marc and I laid in bed with Jack between us and I thought about how lucky I am to have such an amazing family. My husband is hardworking, affectionate, considerate and an amazing daddy and both of my baby boys teach me so much everyday. The lessons I have learned about life in the past year are endless. I feel much older than I am because of my loss but that is not really a bad thing. I am more patient and feel like I take more time to breathe life in and live to the fullest. What a gift baby Marc has given to me and to our family, because Jack and all our children will have much better parents because of him. I actually am having a hard time putting into words just what I mean. How can one express what it feels like to emerge from the fiery hell that is losing a child? How can I express that at the same time I am not and will not be over losing him? I have been wounded, burned so severely that I will carry the scars forever but I am a survivor.
I think of my baby Marc every single day, I miss him and wish I could have watched him grow, I cry for him sometimes but I feel like we have reached our new normal. I feel I have accepted that there will always be moments or days that are hard because he is not here with us but those sad moments don't define our lives. I feel like I have let go of the guilt I once felt for being happy and because of that I can feel that happiness more completely. I have learned that being sad and depressed won't bring my baby back, it wont prove to others how much I loved him, and it won't honor his memory. I have learned to embrace all of my emotions, to let tears flow when they must and then allow joy fill me up again.
I am thankful for these lessons learned.
I am thankful for my beautiful family and amazing friends and for each day I get to be here to spend it with them.
|happy today, relaxing on the patio|
|love this photo of everyone <3|