Thanksgiving

I am so very happy today. I am feeling so thankful for where I am today and being able to say that. This time last year we were four months away from losing sweet baby Marc and I was in such a dark place. I really was not sure I would ever be able to feel this happiness again but today I sat on the patio on a beautiful 75 degree Texas winter day and nursed Marc's little brother Jack and I felt overwhelming happiness.  Marc and I have made so much progress in learning to deal with our grief and of course having Jack certainly helps add enormous joy to our lives. From the beginning we sought out ways to heal our hearts. We attended support groups together, attended counseling together and separate, allowed friends and family to help us and kept our communication open and honest. I did do too much retail therapy as a result of my grief and accrued some credit card debt (which I had vowed to never do) and before I was pregnant with Jack I self medicated with wine more than I probably should have but I guess those things are better than some of the more unhealthy things I could have resorted to. I just have to take a moment to give ourselves a pat on the back for dealing with our emotions together and in (mostly) healthy ways.

I am so thankful to be able to write this blog today and be so positive. I am truly amazed at where I am today. This morning Marc and I laid in bed with Jack between us and I thought about how lucky I am to have such an amazing family. My husband is hardworking, affectionate, considerate and an amazing daddy and both of my baby boys teach me so much everyday. The lessons I have learned about life in the past year are endless. I feel much older than I am because of my loss but that is not really a bad thing. I am more patient and feel like I take more time to breathe life in and live to the fullest. What a gift baby Marc has given to me and to our family, because Jack and all our children will have much better parents because of him. I actually am having a hard time putting into words just what I mean. How can one express what it feels like to emerge from the fiery hell that is losing a child? How can I express that at the same time I am not and will not be over losing him? I have been wounded, burned so severely that I will carry the scars forever but I am a survivor.

I think of my baby Marc every single day,  I miss him and wish I could have watched him grow, I cry for him sometimes but I feel like we have reached our new normal. I feel I have accepted that there will always be moments or days that are hard because he is not here with us but those sad moments don't define our lives. I feel like I have let go of the guilt I once felt for being happy and because of that I can feel that happiness more completely. I have learned that being sad and depressed won't bring my baby back, it wont prove to others how much I loved him, and it won't honor his memory. I have learned to embrace all of my emotions, to let tears flow when they must and then allow joy fill me up again.

I am thankful for these lessons learned.

I am thankful for my beautiful family and amazing friends and for each day I get to be here to spend it with them.

happy today, relaxing on the patio 

love this photo of everyone <3