Capture Your Grief: After Loss Self Portrait

October for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012.  
Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

These photos were taken at the end of September last year almost three months after we lost baby Marc. When I went looking for a photo for this prompt I came across these and looking at them now I think wow I look really happy. It got me thinking about how you really never know just by looking at someone what they are going through. The picture of me at the state fair especially points that out because I look so happy but I remember being really sad that day. Everyone had their children and babies at the fair and I kept thinking I should be carrying Marc around today.
It also had me thinking about how proud I am of myself and of Marc for having the strength to smile and find happiness where we could in those early days. I cannot say that I thought I would never smile or laugh again when I was in those early stages of grief. I actually remember laughing at America’s Funniest Home Videos a lot. I actually watched every episode they had on hulu in the first week or two after Marc died. I used it to distract myself from the crushing weight of everything that I was trying to process. I can say I wondered if I would ever smile and laugh out of genuine happiness and fulfillment.  Now 15 months later I know that I can. I can genuinely be happy and laugh and love and enjoy life while missing my baby boy. That pain is always there but I know that baby Marc would want his mommy to go on living. As I have said many times before, I want my life to be better because he lived and not be defined by his death.