When I seem fine...

I can tell my grief is changing. It has become a little easier to bear and the truly dark moments are more spread out and are usually brief when they come. Mainly now I find myself thinking or remembering sad moments, thoughts, or questions that I have relived many times at random moments. I don't really cry when I think about these things and honestly you might never know they were going through my head. I look fine. I may even look happy. Sometimes these thoughts have triggers, like when I saw a baby about how old Marc would be with his mom who was asking him if he wanted to go home and make cookies but sometimes they just push their way into my mind at the oddest of moments. Maybe at work making coffee, grocery shopping or cleaning the house, I never know when they are going to spring up and try to take over.

I thought maybe if I write these down and get them off my chest and out into the open it may make them stop or at least come less frequently. Also I am hoping that those that have forgotten that I am still grieving heavily for my sweet Marcus might realize what goes through my head on a daily basis and maybe have some inkling of understanding about how hard this is. Being pregnant with our Jack is definitely healing but it does not mean I am cured of my grief and it does not make me miss my Marcus any less. So here they are:

I remember the moment I delivered him, still not very concerned about hearing that the cord was wrapped around his neck. We had talked about that being common and that she would just unwrap it and it would be fine if that were to happen. He was placed on my chest for the briefest of moments before being taken away for resuscitation. He did not move, he did not cry, I remember touching him and saying "my baby, my baby" I think about turning to Marc who was holding me through labor and telling him this was my fault what if he dies?

I think about the drive to the hospital, Marc and baby Marc had gone in the ambulance before me. I delivered the placenta and left with my mom. The car ride over I was hopeful, not allowing myself to believe that the worst could happen. Marc walking toward me in the NICU. The doctor saying "Marcus is brain dead, he is not responding."

I sang to him, remember him making gasping noises as he was having seizures. I watch the video I have of these moments from time to time to remind myself that it really happened.

I think about waking the next day and wailing into Marc's chest. The memorial...I don't even remember who was there. I remember flashes...hugs....just wanting to go home.

I remember him kicking me through labor. He was alive and healthy just moments before I delivered him. I think about how awful it was to have all this milk come in for a baby that was not there to use it. How much I was looking forward to feeding him. How much I dreamed about the moment I would see him open his eyes.

I wonder why I did not think to take pictures of his feet. Or get one of his outfits from home to dress him in before I gave him to the nurse.

I think that after experiencing something like this you should get a pass for the rest of your life. Like this horrible thing happened to you and you should be safe from another horrible thing happening. Then I see news stories like the guy who lost his wife in car accident, she was 8 months pregnant and it left him a widow and a single parent to their little boy who was 2. He just got hit by a drunk driver while riding his bike and now his 7 year old son has no mother, father or siblings. Just because one tragedy happens to you doesn't mean you are safe from another. I guess that just means we need to remember to never take any moment with our loved ones for granted but I hate knowing that slight as it may be something could happen to Jack. Maybe when he is a baby or older, anyone I love could be gone tomorrow. It really pushes that reality in your face and the fear is hard to work through at times.

I wonder why we have to be such emotional beings. Why can't we be more logical in our grief. I loved deeply and now that person is gone. Then maybe it would not be so excruciatingly painful.

I am not religious and so I am sorry if I offend anyone who is with the next statement but I had a woman tell me God is great after I told her that Marc died and I was now pregnant with his baby brother. All I could think is well if he is so great why did he not let me keep my perfect baby boy.

I think how much work and love it took create baby Marc. To grow him inside of me for 10 months only to lose him before I got a chance to do anything I had dreamed of with him. I think what a waste of a life that I worked so hard to create...then I feel bad. I know his life was not a waste, he has made us better people, parents, and friends. He has done so much for us with such a short life, it just is not fair he could not do more.

I could probably go on but this has become too emotionally draining. I wanted to get this off my chest but I can only take so much right now as I try to keep my stress down for baby Jack. I know he needs me to be as happy as I can right now. These thoughts just circle in my head and I have been having a hard time shaking them so I thought maybe it would help to put it out there and let it go for a while so I can get a little rest.

How great would it be to be able to take a vacation from your grief? Writing and burdening you with these thoughts is the closest I can get.