That moment every new parent looks forward to, among many other moments was stolen away from us when baby Marc died during labor. It is so amazing, overwhelming, intense, crazy, and unbelievable that we are just days away from holding a healthy living child when just 13 months ago we were experiencing the absolute worst nightmare I could have ever dreamed of. To experience such highs and lows in the past year has been beautiful and difficult all at the same time.
I still fear something will happen to Jack and we will be right back where we were last year and instead of learning to breastfeed and care for my baby I will be making funeral arrangements and receiving sympathy cards. I am forced to think positively and push those thoughts from my mind because I really want to enjoy these last days with Jack inside my womb. I may be complaining a lot…it is 108 degrees outside but I am so grateful for every kick and hiccup that I get to experience with Jack in these final days of my pregnancy. My body needs a break so it will likely be at least a few years before I will experience these feelings again.
My nesting mode kicked into high gear this week and everything seems to be in order around the house. I have my bags all packed and ready to go as of last night. I want to bring a framed photo of baby Marc to put in our room and I went to get one to put in my hospital bag last night but as I went from room to room trying to decide which photo to take and put in the bag I just could not move any of them. I am so accustomed to seeing those certain photos in certain spots around the house I don’t think I can bear to take one down even for a few days. So I have to remember to grab one off the wall to put in my bag before we leave Friday morning.
I am somewhat anxious for the emotion that will be experienced on Jack’s birthday. I am sure I will cry more tears of joy but I am also preparing myself for a few moments of sadness, waves of new grief as we realize first hand just exactly what we missed out on with baby Marc.
I feel very strange. Being able to say things like “this time next week I will be holding my baby boy” has been a struggle this whole pregnancy. I feel like I have taught myself to be more positive and say positive things which do have an uplifting outcome on my mood overall but deep down it all still feels so surreal. I am not being negative but deep down I don’t believe that I will have a healthy baby boy to bring home.
I don’t think I will believe it until I hear him cry.