Tired

I am having another wave of depression and anxiety this week, hoping it does not last too long. I am finding it very hard to fight tears and deep dark places. I have not cried like I have been crying this week in a very long time. My positive outlook on things seems farther and farther from my grasp and I am very dependent on Marc to tell me that things are going to be ok. My little sister had my beautiful nephew on Tuesday and I am so happy for her but at the same time sad for reasons I can't explain, partly because I am jealous and a little sad that I can't help being jealous.
Baby Marc's birthday is just 14 days away. I feel like I am in that first stage of grief again. Grieving for what I could have had with baby Marc but was cheated out of. Trying to accept the reality of the situation and stop replaying traumatic memories over and over. As I watched the video of my little nephew screaming and crying after being delivered all I could think of was how silent our sweet little Marc was, not one precious cry. I cry because that memory is sad but then I am angry that here I am watching my sweet nephew on his birthday and I can't appreciate the beauty of that fully since I am so overwhelmed with grief for what I lost.
That isn't the only thing though.
This is a strange feeling and I am not sure how to explain it but this time last year I was just a little farther along in my pregnancy so a lot of times I feel like I am taken back to last year through smell or other sensation. When I smell a certain lotion I use in the summer or do something I did last summer I feel transported back to this time last year. Then I have memories of how happy I was and then how devastated.
I remember all the things I tried to do to pass the time and just make it through the days. I feel like this is going to actually be my reality again. I feel like Jack's birthday is going to come as Marc's did and then I will be coming home empty handed again. I feel like I know what I will be doing, things like wearing a tight sports bra and stuffing cabbage leaves in it so that my milk will go away. I can picture myself doing these things this year so vividly.
I try to picture myself having Jack home and I just feel foolish.I feel like keeping their babies is something that other people get to do.
I need to start on the hypno babies home study course a friend let me borrow but I have been putting it off because I still don't want to think about the birth. It will probably help me be more positive so I really need to just make myself start.
I just know the next 8 weeks are going to be very hard and I am so very tired.