Thursday, June 21, 2012


I am having another wave of depression and anxiety this week, hoping it does not last too long. I am finding it very hard to fight tears and deep dark places. I have not cried like I have been crying this week in a very long time. My positive outlook on things seems farther and farther from my grasp and I am very dependent on Marc to tell me that things are going to be ok. My little sister had my beautiful nephew on Tuesday and I am so happy for her but at the same time sad for reasons I can't explain, partly because I am jealous and a little sad that I can't help being jealous.
Baby Marc's birthday is just 14 days away. I feel like I am in that first stage of grief again. Grieving for what I could have had with baby Marc but was cheated out of. Trying to accept the reality of the situation and stop replaying traumatic memories over and over. As I watched the video of my little nephew screaming and crying after being delivered all I could think of was how silent our sweet little Marc was, not one precious cry. I cry because that memory is sad but then I am angry that here I am watching my sweet nephew on his birthday and I can't appreciate the beauty of that fully since I am so overwhelmed with grief for what I lost.
That isn't the only thing though.
This is a strange feeling and I am not sure how to explain it but this time last year I was just a little farther along in my pregnancy so a lot of times I feel like I am taken back to last year through smell or other sensation. When I smell a certain lotion I use in the summer or do something I did last summer I feel transported back to this time last year. Then I have memories of how happy I was and then how devastated.
I remember all the things I tried to do to pass the time and just make it through the days. I feel like this is going to actually be my reality again. I feel like Jack's birthday is going to come as Marc's did and then I will be coming home empty handed again. I feel like I know what I will be doing, things like wearing a tight sports bra and stuffing cabbage leaves in it so that my milk will go away. I can picture myself doing these things this year so vividly.
I try to picture myself having Jack home and I just feel foolish.I feel like keeping their babies is something that other people get to do.
I need to start on the hypno babies home study course a friend let me borrow but I have been putting it off because I still don't want to think about the birth. It will probably help me be more positive so I really need to just make myself start.
I just know the next 8 weeks are going to be very hard and I am so very tired.

1 comment:

  1. I understand. He's not even my nephew but seeing all the posts from your mom is breaking my heart even though I'm so happy for your sister and your whole family. I'm feeling so many of the same things with my own pregnancy. I wish I knew what to tell you, what I can say to help you feel better. But I think we just have to keep pushing through each day. Sending you much love and hugs.