The Alchemy of Grief

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The Birth of Jack

Jack's birthday was amazing. We had scheduled the c-section for 39 weeks on Friday August 10th so we thought there would be no surprises but Thursday morning I received a phone call from my doctor’s office. At first I thought they were calling to remind me...like a mama could forget! Then as the nurse spoke I got this sinking feeling because she started to say that there had been a scheduling error and my doctor would not be in on Friday, I thought she was going to tell me I had to wait until Monday. I was already so anxious the last few days, I was so close to holding my healthy baby and I felt like something bad could happen to him any minute, I just wanted him out and in my arms. To my relief she explained that we would move it to today! She told us to be at the hospital at 2pm so Marc and I only had a few hours to get ready to leave. I called my mom who lives in Houston like ten times and she finally called me back and said they were leaving right away. Everyone was excited and rushing. Marc had commented on how picking and knowing his birthday took away a little of the romance of a birthday story and we had both agreed we would gladly give up the mystery and surprise in exchange for the peace of mind that a c-section brought but now we had our surprise too. All they would let me eat was a yogurt and so I was starving but so excited that I did not care, today I would hear my baby cry. Waiting for them to come take me to surgery once we were in the room and ready to go seemed like forever. I was really anxious about the surgery and scared that something bad was going to happen. The family made it just in time to distract Marc and I while waiting. Our birth photographer Keri who had done baby Marc's birth arrived and began documenting the day. I brought one of the photos she took from Marc's birth and put it beside my bed so that Marc would be with us. This was Jack's birthday and so as much as I want to keep Marc's memory alive I tried to focus on Jack. They finally came to get me and walked me to the operating room. I was dreading this part because this is when I had to be alone, separated from Marc. I got up on the table and they began the process of giving me the spinal. The doctors and nurses were so kind and made me feel a lot better but I still started crying because of all the anxiety. Finally after I was all ready Marc was allowed back and then everything happened so fast, before I knew it Jack was screaming and hearing him cry was such a relief. I felt so light and happy, it was incredible. I could not see him too well because he was just held up for me for a second and Dr.Kolar let me touch his little foot because my hands were still strapped down. They cleaned him up and he was wrapped up and given to Marc. I could hear Marc's emotion and happiness and it was such an amazing moment for us together. We had been through so much together over the past year. So much sadness and anxiety and now we were finally getting this beautiful moment of happiness and relief. I was surprised at how easy it was to be happy. I was worried I would feel a lot of sadness while experiencing with Jack what I should have experienced with Marc. Even in the weeks after we got home with Jack I kept waiting for this deep depression to come. Don’t get me wrong the grief is still there and it always will be but it came to me in brief and forgiving moments instead of lasting darkness. There are things that bring the sharp pain back like when I tried to sing Brahms lullaby to Jack and realized I sang that for Marc as he was dying. I cannot bring myself to sing it again and I probably won’t sing it to another child again. The lyrics are too sad if you think of them being sung to a dying baby. “Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed” I realize there will always be things like this that bring the pain back more fresh than other times but I know now that we are going to be ok. I have flashbacks of Marc’s birthday, the doctor telling me he was going to die, holding him, saying goodbye, the memorial and the dark weeks after his death. They do come to be very vividly lately but over the past year I realize that all that hard grief work has really helped me come to a place where I have the tools to deal with the traumatic thoughts and heartache. I have an arsenal of depression fighting weapons at my disposal and I use them frequently. I have talked with a lot of baby loss moms who talk about how they were not prepared to have another child very soon after the loss. They tell me how they had not grieved properly and now they have a harder time being pregnant or having their rainbows soon after. I was worried that I would be in that situation but now I think I can say that I did grieve how I needed to grieve. I am grieving how I need to grieve. I was worried that I would push grief away to be happy with Jack but is that such a bad thing? Maybe it is if by pushing it away you mean running and never fighting but my grief is never ending so I will always have to struggle to keep it from taking over. Some days I have to battle harder than other days. I have my moments as I always will but I break out my weapons and keep fighting. Jack brings so much joy to our lives now. I cannot wait to tell him all about his big brother. Here is our beautiful slideshow of his birthday and some other photos.
the birth of Jack from Keri Duckett on Vimeo.

The day before!

bags packed

just before leaving

last photo of me at our house pregnant with Jack

waiting

6 weeks old

Friday, August 3, 2012

This Time Next Week!

This time next week I will be holding my second baby boy Jack in my arms for the first time. We go in at 7:30am next Friday morning and unless something with the operating rooms changes I will go at 9:30am for my C-section. All I can think about is what it is going to be like to hear our child cry.

That moment every new parent looks forward to, among many other moments was stolen away from us when baby Marc died during labor. It is so amazing, overwhelming, intense, crazy, and unbelievable that we are just days away from holding a healthy living child when just 13 months ago we were experiencing the absolute worst nightmare I could have ever dreamed of. To experience such highs and lows in the past year has been beautiful and difficult all at the same time.

I still fear something will happen to Jack and we will be right back where we were last year and instead of learning to breastfeed and care for my baby I will be making funeral arrangements and receiving sympathy cards. I am forced to think positively and push those thoughts from my mind because I really want to enjoy these last days with Jack inside my womb. I may be complaining a lot…it is 108 degrees outside but I am so grateful for every kick and hiccup that I get to experience with Jack in these final days of my pregnancy. My body needs a break so it will likely be at least a few years before I will experience these feelings again.

My nesting mode kicked into high gear this week and everything seems to be in order around the house. I have my bags all packed and ready to go as of last night. I want to bring a framed photo of baby Marc to put in our room and I went to get one to put in my hospital bag last night but as I went from room to room trying to decide which photo to take and put in the bag I just could not move any of them. I am so accustomed to seeing those certain photos in certain spots around the house I don’t think I can bear to take one down even for a few days. So I have to remember to grab one off the wall to put in my bag before we leave Friday morning.

I am somewhat anxious for the emotion that will be experienced on Jack’s birthday. I am sure I will cry more tears of joy but I am also preparing myself for a few moments of sadness, waves of new grief as we realize first hand just exactly what we missed out on with baby Marc.

I feel very strange. Being able to say things like “this time next week I will be holding my baby boy” has been a struggle this whole pregnancy. I feel like I have taught myself to be more positive and say positive things which do have an uplifting outcome on my mood overall but deep down it all still feels so surreal. I am not being negative but deep down I don’t believe that I will have a healthy baby boy to bring home.

I don’t think I will believe it until I hear him cry.

38 WEEKS

Monday, July 16, 2012

Baby Marc's 1st Birthday Balloon Release in Pictures

Rainbow Shower for Baby Jack

My wonderful mother, my sister Jessica, and friends Amber, Stephanie and Liz threw and amazing and very special rainbow baby shower for Jack this past weekend. Thank you to those friends and family that showed up to celebrate Jack with Marc and I, it really meant a lot to me and was very important to me to have a shower for Jack. This whole pregnancy I have tried to do all the things I did while pregnant with Marc with Jack as well. It was so hard in the beginning to take belly pictures and get excited about my pregnancy. So many emotions that you don't expect come up when you are pregnant after losing a child. One thing I have never been able to fully explain is feeling foolish when I say things like "when this baby comes home" or "in this many days I will be holding my baby." I said all those things with Marc and they did not happen so it has been so hard to imagine those things actually coming. I have felt like I will be pregnant forever and never bring a living baby home. I think I have done myself a big favor in forcing myself to do things I did with Marc and say positive things like that because I am finally just now after nearly ten months of pregnancy starting to truly believe that I will hold my living child Jack in my arms and get to take him home.
One thing I had not done was open drawers of baby clothes and things in Marc's room. I could not bring myself to integrate Jacks things into the things I had bought for baby Marc. Mainly because I didn't know what kind of emotional state looking through all these things that I bought for Marc that he never got to wear would put me in. My mom and Stephanie stayed after the shower to help me do this as I now had a bunch of things specifically for Jack to put into these drawers. We sat on the floor and pulled out the clothes from all the drawers and I immediately started crying. It was hard but with a little pep talk from my mom we managed to smile and mix Jack's things into Marc's things....which are now Jack's things. I kept a few items for Marc's memory box and left the rest for Jack. The room is still a mess as I try to reorganize some things but I am hoping to be done with that this week. Here is our celebration of baby Jack in photos. Before the baby shower Marc and I made a belly cast of my belly with Jack as we did for Marc so I included those pictures as well.