The Best Laid Plans-Random Thoughts on Death and Living

"Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force."

YODA, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

I never really thought about death before baby Marc but his death was such a slap in the face that now I can't ignore it.  At any given moment something crazy could happen while you are doing normal everyday things and we or someone we love could be gone in an instant. Case in point:

2007: Humberto Hernandez, a 24-year-old Oakland, California resident, was killed after being struck in the face by an airborne fire hydrant while walking. A passing car had struck the fire hydrant and the water pressure shot the hydrant at Hernandez with enough force to kill him
2008: Isaiah Otieno, 23, a Kenyan student living in Cranbrook, British Columbia, was killed when a Bell 206 helicopter crashed on top of him as he walked along a residential street
2010-Amy Rose Coxall, a 15-year-old British schoolgirl studying in Hong Kong, died of strangulation shortly after her scarf got caught in the wheel of a go-kart she was driving on a karting course.
2010-Jimi Heselden, owner of the Segway motorized scooter company, was killed when he accidentally drove off a cliff on a Segway at his estate at Thorp Arch near Boston Spa.

Ok ok...the likelihood of myself or someone I love dying from a freak accident like these is slim I know but then I think about my cousin Alex who was healthy and in his early twenties when he had a brain aneurism that killed him instantly.  No warning. No battle with illness or old age. Just gone. Gone in just a few moments. Even though I have experienced the death of baby Marc it is still almost unfathomable. Someone can be alive and talking one moment and then just completely gone the next. My baby was kicking and moving with a strong heartbeat one minute and the very next was hanging on by a thread...that broke.

"How surely are the dead beyond death. Death is what the living carry with them. A state of dread, like some uncanny foretaste of a bitter memory. But the dead do not remember and nothingness is not a curse. Far from it"

CORMAC MCCARTHY, Suttree

Death is not a subject we talk about in society very often. I would say that it is hard to find people who are actually comfortable talking about death. To talk about death is morbid or weird and most people will probably change the conversation in favor of a lighter topic but one thing baby Marc is teaching me is how life is so fragile. Thinking about death and it's inevitability and it's element of surprise brings perspective and forces one to see what is truly important.
I used to need to plan things, need to know what was going to happen each year over the next ten years. How many kids will we have, how will they be spaced, when will I get a job, when will we buy a house, I just so badly needed to have a plan. What did that do for me? It only made me worried when things weren't right on track or had to be changed. I would waste hours of my present day thinking of the plans. Now I see painfully that we can't control everything and our plans no matter how carefully laid can be changed in a matter of seconds.
Of course we still need to plan, have hopes and dreams and set goals for the future.  That is the happy kind of planning. I am talking about the obsessive and stressful type where you are so consumed with that specific course that you don't take the time to enjoy where you are at the moment.
At the moment I am consumed with stress, anxiety and all sorts of emotions but I do take a minute each day to think about how lucky I am to have what I have in this very moment. I do try to learn from baby Marc and live as much as possible in the present. Naturally I worry about things in the near future but I don't worry about long term things anymore. Not like I used to. We will talk about when to have baby #3 and #4 when we are ready, I will look a teaching job when the time is right, maybe Marc will go back to school, and maybe we will buy a house in a few years. Those kinds of things will happen when they happen and those decisions cannot be made right now with the limited information that we have. Those decisions have to made as you come to them because we never know what tomorrow holds and how what happens tomorrow will shape our future plans.

“One has to live in the present. Whatever is past is gone beyond recall; whatever is future remains beyond one’s reach, until it becomes present. Remembering the past and giving thought to the future are important, but only to the extent that they help one deal with the present.” – S.N. Goenka

Lift My Spirits So That I May Be Of Use

Happy are they who know good and do good.
Their love for the good feeds them continually.
They are like trees planted near the river,
whose roots go deep and wide.
They thrive, bear fruit in season, and
weather drought without wilting.
Those who are not so grounded
will blow around like dry leaves in the wind.
Root yourself in Good, and live. 

Psalms 1

It is amazing how some baby loss mamas decide to honor their baby by giving something of themselves to help others through this continual journey of finding a new normal. I have discovered so many helpful websites and programs and there are too many to cover in one blog post so today I will focus on three women who have all lost a baby and who have helped me immensely the past 6 1/2 months, not to mention the countless mothers they have helped and continue to help find peace. 

Jennifer Stocks~ My Tangible Peace

On October 8th, 2000, Jennifer lost her daughter named Madison Grace to SIDS. She creates beautiful custom sculptures with your babies likeness for an affordable price. Here is an excerpt from her website.

“Now I pour my heart and soul out here because I have learned some things about myself and about the whole grieving process during the past decade. The first thing that I have learned is that there is just not enough information out there for bereaved parents. I'm not talking internet, but more along the line of books, studies, and reports, the things that are out there really only cover the first two years of loss not how to survive your lifetime. 

The second thing that I have discovered is that I have found the tangible piece that I have been searching for. A friend emailed me a forward of Camille Allen's hand sculpted, "Marzipan Babies". Now, with a little more research I've learned that these creations are not made from marzipan, but out of polymer clay.

As of this year (2011) I am proud to announce that I have finished my 671th piece. I still enjoy my quality time spent pushing and sculpting my beige clay.  When it comes to grieving there are no rules or guidelines. What I have learned from my research is that bereaved parents go out seeking pieces or memento's of their deceased children. They search for that tangible piece that will forever keep that child physically close. Although the memories will always be there, it's in that physical, touchable, loss that is the hardest for the parents to cope with. For years I would scan the shelves of stores, craft fairs, whatever, for SOMETHING that would bring a piece of her back to me. Every now and then I would indeed see something and I would buy it but it wouldn't give me the peace that I was so desperately searching for, it only satisfied that desire for a short time. By making these little guys I have found my peace, My Tangible Peace, and I want to share them with whoever is interested.”

She created this beautiful miniature sculpture of Marcus for us in December. I cherish it and I am so thankful she is there to offer this meaningful service.

You can find her here http://www.freewebs.com/mytangiblepeace/ and here http://www.etsy.com/shop/mytangiblepeace

Carly Marie Dudley~ Christian’s Beach

Here is a recent news article about what Carly does, it is much more concise and clean than I could be if I attempted to describe it. She wrote Marcus name in the sand in November, 2011.

By Margaret Price, Wanneroo Times 

Healing hands... Carly Dudley with her husband Sam and children Ocea (2), River (4) and Scarlett (6). Picture: Bruce Hunt

WHEN Carly Dudley began writing the names of deceased children in the sand at local beaches three years ago, little did she know the journey it would take her on.

Now, more than 14,000 names later, Carly’s special “ministry” has generated many other initiatives, which bring comfort to grieving families.

These include “memory boxes” and miscarriage gift packs for King Edward Memorial Hospital, memorial services, a Luminous Light friendship group and a card service for special anniversaries, such as a due date or birthday.

Carly and husband Sam, of Banksia Grove, created Christian’s Seashore in 2008 in memory of their son who was stillborn on Australia Day in 2007.

They also have three daughters, Scarlett (6), River (4) and Ocea (2).

A dream inspired Carly to write “lost babies” names in the sand, usually at sunset, to honour their lives.

An initial three names from the dream quickly became 70 and then 2500 as word of the ministry spread worldwide via the internet.

Carly loads a photograph of each name on her site with words of remembrance from families as far away as the United States, Israel, China and Europe who want to remember a child, including miscarriages, on a “beautiful West Australian beach”.

The couple believe the service has helped their own grieving process while offering comfort to others who may have nowhere else to turn.

“I think what Carly does shows there is still so much beauty in life although you might not feel that way at the time and for a long time after you lose a child,” Sam said.

“She shows there is so much to live for.”

Depending on the weather, Carly spends several hours at Mullaloo Point most nights of the week responding to requests, which flood her website.

“I write an average of 25 names a night,” she said.

Carly said the “massive snowball effect” of initiatives from the ‘names in the sand’ project, such as the Luminous Light friendship group and memorial services, filled a need among bereaved families.

She said Luminous Light was a place for mothers of lost babies and children to “hang out” together, and to assemble packs including blankets, candles, photo-frames and teddy bears for the newly bereaved.

“On August 19 every year, the anniversary of when I started writing names in the sand, we deliver the memory boxes to King Edward hospital,” she said.

“This year we filled the entire chapel with boxes.”

See http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/  and http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/

Rebekah Brewer Mitchell~MEND

Rebekah Brewer Mitchell is the founder and president of the MEND (mommies enduring neonatal death) organization which is a ministry that reaches out to women who have lost a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death.  Her son Jonathan was born and died on June 25^th, 1995. One year after losing her son she decided to create a legacy for him by creating MEND to reach out to other women struggling to find a way to live without their children in their arms. 

Since then the organization has put on a walk to remember every year in which a beautiful ceremony is held during the month of October to acknowledge and remember our babies. Families set up booths with the tangible memories they have of their angles and everyone gets a chance to talk about their lost children. Each family who registers for the walk gets an ornament with their babies name, during the ceremony when your babies name is called you get to walk to this beautiful tree and hang your ornament. The walk ends with a breathtaking balloon release where pink balloons are released for baby girls, blue for baby boys and white for unknown gender. Families can write messages on the balloons and you can invite any friends or family who want to come so it is a great way to involve extended family in remembering and honoring your baby.

The walk came for us just three months after we had lost our Marcus and it was so incredibly healing. It was a very emotional day and I have a separate blog post about it if you would like to read more about our particular experience but it was so encouraging to see mommies lifting their subsequent children up to the tree to hang their baby’s ornaments.

The second wonderful event that MEND puts on is the Candlelight Christmas Ceremony. This is a smaller more intimate event where families come to remember their babies during the holidays. Holidays are a very difficult time for most baby loss mamas and Christmas especially. This quiet and peaceful ceremony is a wonderful way to take a step back during the busy holiday season and have a whole night to reflect on your baby’s life. 

For more regular support a MEND support group led by Rebekah meets once a month in Irving as well as several other helpful groups such as a subsequent pregnancy group and an infertility group. Every quarter Rebekah’s husband Byron comes to the meeting to lead the daddy’s group where the men can have a chance to talk about their feelings separate from the main group. On facebook MEND has created a closed group where you can talk with other women going through the same thing on a daily basis. Both the support group and the facebook group have been a tremendous help for Marc and I during this hard time. We went to the first meeting available after Marc died and we have not missed a regular group meeting since. The subsequent pregnancy group is also wonderful since we are pregnant with our second child. Subsequent pregnancies are a scary time and it is so important to have other moms who know what you are going through.

I cannot thank Rebekah enough for all the hard work she has put into the organization she created over the past 16 years. MEND has spread from the DFW area to many other locations as well and continues to touch the lives of everyone who is lucky enough to find their way here after a loss.

Please check out the MEND website for more information about this wonderful organization. http://www.mend.org/support/home.asp

 

Baby Marc's Stocking Project-Part 2

For Christmas I had emailed all of our friends and family and asked for them to please do one act of kindness in honor of my sweet baby Marcus and to email me a letter with what they did so that we could open them on Christmas morning and be comforted. My mom and I had to take turns reading because we were each getting so emotional.  By the time the letters were finished more than an hour later everyone in the room including the men were in tears. 

If you know you sent something but are not mentioned here please resend me your email if you still have it in your sent box. Something happened and some of my emails got deleted after I read them. I know I have a few people that I am missing here and I would love to print out your emails and save them in my memory box as well as add you to this list.

Thank you so much to everyone who was thoughtful enough to take the time to write us. These letters will be cherished for years to come. I have included everyone who participated and a short excerpt from their letter. I hope no one is upset with me for making these public but I just love to share and these are too great to keep all to myself. 

Tyler Fetter-(baby Marc’s Uncle) Tyler lives on an air force base in Florida, he tried to do lots of little things like stopping to pick up an airmen who needed a ride back to the BX. He also made donations to the angel tree to help young children.

He wrote:”I just want you to know how much I love you and how excited I am for this new life you are now bringing into the world. As happy as it makes me, I know nothing will ever replace Baby Marc, and no one would wish it so. There is no way to measure or weigh a life, but it can be said that it is not the number of years we live, but the mark we leave upon the world. Baby Marc left such a mark in all of us who love him and through us he touches the lives of others. Though it is no fair trade, I truly hope the small things we remember and the little things we do in his name bring you some small comfort when it is the hardest. When I go, I hope to have left the world in a better state than I found it. It’s not right, it should be different, and I can’t even imagine how much pain you face daily from his loss. But in the end, that’s what he has done, and he will live forever in our hearts.”

Walter and Wendy Windrich: (baby Marcs Mimi and Opa), & Tori and Evie Windrich (baby Marc’s Aunties)- baby Marc’s grandparents did so many acts of kindness including helping a woman with her groceries, giving directions to people who were lost and other little everyday acts of kindness. My mom spotted a grandmother with her six month old grand baby and they struck up a conversation. She had the pleasure to tell her about baby Marc, she says that every time she shares her loss with others she hopes they will hug their children a little tighter thanks to his memory.

They also adopted a little boy with the same name as baby Marc and purchased all of his wants and needs from the Salvation Army angel tree.

As a family Tori and Evie decorated lots of Christmas cards and took them to the Conservatory Senior Living Center and handed them out while visiting with the seniors. They were so thankful to have them there!
Evie wrote: 
"Dear Baby Marc, For the few hours you were alive those were the best hours of my life. You will always be in my heart, even though I don't show my emotions well I am still very sad. Just  know all of us still think about you and love you very much!
(then she drew a picture of an actual human heart and drew a space for everyone of us including baby Marc inside.)


Tori wrote: "Since your mommy started the RAOK in your honor, I've been doing some things for you, things that are kind to others that I normally would not do. First off, I did the main Christmas card thin with my family, but I did some little things too. For instance, Evie was watching a movie so I took both dogs out for her and that was not pretty. I've also tried to be kind by not complaining when asked to do something. I helped shape cookies and did until there was no dough left even though I would have rather been on the computer. I know that is not much but I still love you and you are always with me and you will never be gone completely. Jena-I love you so much!"

My mom wrote:”We have heard of people who would pay for others items in line behind them at fast food establishments and we had always talked about it but never did it. This year we went through the drive through at Starbucks and noticed a woman behind us with two small children, when we got to the window we asked the Barista if we could please pay for the woman behind us and tell her Merry Christmas. I watched out the back window as she tried to pay but he refused her card and pointed in our direction. The look of shock on her face was enough to make us feel very happy. I didn’t think that it would be as good of a feeling doing something so small for someone else. I am happy that baby Marc’s memory can be carried on with random acts of kindness.”

Jessica Murray-(baby Marc’s Auntie) Jessica offered to let a girl from work who had a flat tire use her extra tow from her service plan on her car. She offered to help a woman who looked like she was having trouble with her groceries. She was driving on the highway one day and someone was trying to speed up to merge in front of her and she instinctively sped up as well thinking, “This person is not going to get in front of me!” Then she thought about baby Marc and the project and something clicked. She slowed down and let the person in front of her. While she was at Target she was in a hurry and was rushing to the line that seemed the shortest when a lady came from out of nowhere and got in line at the same time. She thought about just stepping up to the line since she was in a hurry but she thought of baby Marc and let the woman go first. The woman went from angry to very grateful in a split second. Jessica says she is going to continue to take a step back and think of baby Marc and the joy he brought us in his short life and realize that there are more important things that getting to the line first or being in front of a pushy car.

She wrote:”Marc has taught me to cherish every moment we have and to focus on what really matters instead of worrying about all the small things. He has made me realize how precious life is and how easily plans can change. He has shown me how strong of a person my big sister is, which makes me feel like I can accomplish anything if I have someone in my life to look up to. Driving home I was thinking about all the people in the world who rush about their day and take little consideration of the people around them. I know because I have been guilty of this as I am sure most people have. Because of baby Marc, I am a better person overall.”

Nora Biggs McMahon-Nora included her whole family in baby Marc’s stocking project and told her children to think of what they wanted to do in honor of him.

            Watch out! Every one of these stories made us cry!

Shiloh-her son Shiloh noticed a Salvation Army bell ringer outside in the cold and was upset that he had to stand out in the cold all day. He asked if he could go to the food court and get the man some hot chocolate and cookies. He brought the man the snack and then offered to ring the bell while the man warmed up and ate, they gave the man a five minute break and the man told them that no one had even said hi to him all day! He told them he had never been offered kindness like that before. On the way home Shiloh said, “I’m pretty sure that baby Marc thought that was awesome. I bet he is smiling, but he probably wants cookies too.” (Seriously now, how can that not make you tear up?)

Sofie-her daughter noticed that one of her classmates at school is very poor. She is a very observant little girl and was bothered that her friend only has one pair of “broken” shoes and she often wears the same clothes more than once a week. When Nora asked Sofie what she wanted to do for baby Marc she would not tell her. Two weeks later on the last day of school, Sofie put 2 pairs of her shoes, 5 shirts, 1 skirt, 2 jeans, and 2 sweaters into a Kroger bag. She put the bag in her backpack and also put a bag full of food from their pantry into her backpack. Finally she put her new Barbie doll that was still in the box into her stuffed pack and took it to school. Nora got a call from Sofie’s teacher later that day asking if she knew that Sofie had brought all this stuff to school. She did not. When she went to the school to get it back she took Sofie in the hall to ask why she had brought all this stuff and began giving her a lecture on why not to take all these things to school when Sofie interrupted and said “Shhh mom, talk quiet, if she knows it was me that brought the stuff it won’t be random.” Nora said “what do you mean?” Sofie said “Mom this is for baby Marc, I am giving this stuff to Shaleeka but she can’t know that it is from me.” Nora explained to the teacher and the teacher was in tears. Sofie later told Nora
“momma, it is supposed to be random; you can’t talk about it anymore. It is just for me and baby Marc to know about so my friend doesn’t feel sad that she can’t give me stuff too.” <3

Brayden-Chose a baby angle from the tree at Fort Campbell and chose to earn the money for the gifts himself. In 18 days he earned $63.50 and spent all of it on his angel baby. He did odd jobs for friends and neighbors like raking leaves, taking out trash and washing cars. He went door to door explaining that he was raising money for the baby he picked from the tree. He told them about baby Marc and that he wanted to make sure his act of kindness was “good enough.” He was excited because they shopped at the PX so they did not have to pay taxes so every penny went to his angel baby.

Nora-Noticed that a woman with three small children was shopping at the grocery store and adding up everything she was putting in her cart with a calculator. She overheard the woman’s phone conversation and the woman was saying that she was getting the food they needed but that would leave nothing left so the kids would just be getting one small present each. Nora was saddened by this because if they just got one which would be from mommy and which would be from Santa. She kept passing her and noticed the woman was putting things back on the shelf, checking coupons every time and looked very sad. Her husband Steven checked out their groceries while Nora purchased a TJ Max gift card and an Applebee’s gift card and secretly told the check out person to swipe her card for the woman’s items. Nora slipped out before the woman could see her and heard the cashier tell the woman that her things had been paid for and watched him give her the gift cards. As she was leaving she saw the woman crying and hugging her oldest child.

Amber Wilson-(baby Marc’s Auntie) Tried to have a more forgiving and loving attitude this Christmas. She has very bad road rage... she let at least 5 cars cut in front of her every day in traffic when she drove home. That adds up to a LOT of people cutting in front of her!!!! But every time she thought of Marcus she would try to be a little nicer. She also paid for dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings for me and Marc and anonymously paid for three soldiers sitting at another table.

She wrote “I love you both very much and all of you babies (especially LK). I hope that 2012 beings happiness and peace. And I can't wait to meet Baby #2 (Olivia)!!!”

Kali Kundomal- Kali is the mommy to an angel, she lives in Roswell, NM child neglect and abuse is prevalent. She purchased baby toys, baby dining ware, sippy cups, toddler learning games, and paint and paint brushes for the organization CASA (court appointed special advocates)and their "Giving Tree" project.

She wrote: “I hope your Christmas is filled with as much joy as possible. I will be praying for peace for you during this holiday season!”

Melissa Autry- Melissa is the mommy of an angel named Lauren. Her family put together little stocking gifts with girl or boy ornaments and placed them on the graves of the babies where their daughter is buried. They delivered 48 gifts to the graves in baby land.

She wrote: “It is so unfortunate that we had to meet this way, I wish it was in a playgroup or our children were in daycare together or something of that nature, but I know that as long as I have supportive people such as you near me, my family will have the strength to go forward with our lives with Lauren in our hearts.”

Nikki Sharnbroich- Have been helping a family who has a father/husband that is losing his battle to cancer, they adopted two families for the holidays, they made it a goal to stop and acknowledge every homeless person they saw...they made kits for their car with socks, gloves, food, hand/foot warmers and some cash that they could easily hand out to them, they bought a grocery store gift card for a family who is living out of their car, donated groceries to the foodbank, etc... 

She wrote: “What an incredible legacy that you have created for your sweet Baby Marc...I have followed your blog and your Facebook page from when you were pregnant and you have been such an inspiration.  I cannot imagine losing one of my children but have lost my dear niece Hayley a few months after her birth, she is always on my mind and has made me and my family all better people.  I have shared your blog with my sister-in-law and you have really helped her...she loves the Baby Marc stocking project.”

Rori Calloway- Rori is the mommy of two twin angels named Sebastian and Liam, she made ornaments for Priscilla in memory of her angel babies Hope and Faith.

Elizabeth & Ray Napolitan- Spent time helping out at the local soup kitchen.

She wrote: “The past year has taught us a lot and not taking things, friends and life for granted is one of them.”

June Lake- Donated a gift to a family in need.

She wrote: “I hope this makes their Christmas a little brighter and yours too. I wish you both a Merry Christmas and wonderful New Year!”

Adrianna Napaluch- Adrianna is the mommy of an angel named Avery; she brought change to the NICU vending machines at MCA.

She wrote: “I hope the thought of this change helping another family with a baby fighting for their life brings you warmth, hope, and healing this holiday without your beautiful son.  Baby Marc, you will always be remembered and loved. I am sorry that we never got to meet. Your mommy is an amazing woman who has helped me so. ”

Carrie Walsingham- Carrie is the mommy of an angel named Ayden, she held open doors for people, returned shopping carts to the store rather than the shopping cart return and helped people with their shopping. She tried to be a more courteous driver and smile rather than yell when others were not so nice.   Each time she was thinking of Marc.  Not sure that any of it was enough to honor him she kept thinking.  So in memory or my sweet baby boy she walked around the grocery store and gave away coupons to other shoppers. Then at the grocery store she attached diaper and formula coupons so that the next person could have them.

She wrote "Today I spent the morning thinking of your sweet boy.  I must say I think of him and you often.  Although we have not met I feel like we have.  Your posts always seem to either reflect what I am feeling or something I have felt in the past, but had no clue how to express. My heart overflows with joy for you and your husband.  My rainbow babies are my greatest blessing and I love being able to tell them about their big brother in heaven." 

Ressa McCray- Rescued an adorable little dog from the Denton Animal Shelter.

She Wrote: “We will be thinking of you guys as you open Baby Marc’s stocking and read all the kind acts. Sounds like the beginning of a wonderful tradition.”

Holly Hungerford-Kresser and Family- Donated $50 to the local chapter of MEND  in Baby Marc's name.

She Wrote: “I continue to think of both of you daily, sometimes hourly, sending you all the prayers and positive thoughts I can muster. Our births are forever linked in my head, especially since I was blessed to see Baby Marc on a sonogram with Jena. His memory has helped me cherish my own children more and to treasure the memory of being pregnant with our unborn child. Thank you for that; I know grieving publicly is difficult, but it helps others. It really does. We wish you the happiest holiday possible in the midst of your loss.”

Deborah Golden- Bought dinner for everyone at work on her shift.

The Hall Family(Mark, Jen, Ava, and Lilah)- In honor of baby Marc, they went as a family to Cooks Children’s Hospital in downtown with Ava's Daisy Scouts Group and donated new toys for children and babies. They also bought books for the Toys for Tots program.

She wrote: “We hope that you will find a little bit of solace in the fact that you have made the world a better place in Marc's memory, proving that something good can come from something tragic. Merry Christmas - Know we are thinking of you!”

Missy Schuchman- Started a nonprofit organization for her angel Landon and they raised enough money this month to purchase a bench for families to sit on when visiting their angel babies in the baby land section of the cemetery where her son is buried. This bench says in memory of ALL angel
babies gone too soon but never forgotten.

She wrote:”I have a list of babies that were on our mind ready for when the bench is placed. Though the bench has not been placed yet and though we have never met face to face; I read your posts on facebook and Marc has touched my heart. Baby Marc is on our list to read to ourselves when the bench is placed. This bench helps families stay close to their babies and his little life is remembered! God bless
you guys and Merry Christmas!”

Sara and Santosh Regmi- Sara is the mother of two sweet angel babies named Skylar and Samira, her and her husband bought toys and necessities for three needy children this year.

She wrote: “God’s peace and love to you both!”

Julie Edwards- Bought toys for a single mother’s little boy, she dedicated them to Baby Marc.

Megan McGinnis- Megan is the mommy to an angel named Madison, she donated blood hoping to give the gift of life so another parent might be spared our hurt and pain.

Amanda Shaw- Amanda lost her firstborn son Aidan Jackson in 2010, her family donated to the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. This is a wonderful nonprofit organization that provides free professional photography for babies who have passed away after 20 weeks.  www.nowIlaymedowntosleep.org

She wrote: “I am so happy to hear about your little Rainbow. Having our daughter Abbey this year has been very healing. We love her so much and are thankful for everyday that God gives us with her. I hope for you a very uneventful pregnancy. Don't be afraid of loving this baby for everyday that God gives you together. Embrace every moment, every kick. Don't be afraid of buying things or having dreams for this baby or having baby showers. This baby deserves all the love you have to give. BELIEVE that this baby's destiny is to be in your arms....forever. I wish your entire family, you, your husband, baby Marc and your precious Rainbow a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.”

Melissa Bufe-Melissa is the mommy of an angel baby named Hadley, her family bought a Wal-Mart gift card and Christmas card and gave it to the first family that God led them to.

She wrote: “Inside the card we wrote: "This random act of kindness is in memory of precious babies who went to Heaven this year.  Please think of their parents this Christmas.  Merry Christmas and God Bless!" The family was so appreciative and I know they are thinking of you on this beautiful Christmas Day.”

Claire Miller- Purchased presents for a little girl who had to spend this Christmas in the custody of CPS, she had not been able to be placed with a foster family before Christmas. She asked for a few things including a haircut at a salon. She was able to get her everything off her Christmas wish list.

Robyn and Patrick Martin-Included her two children Zachary and Hattie in helping to honor baby Marc this Christmas, they planted a Lambs ear plant for us. She is going to give us the plant when it starts to grow. LOVE IT!

Priscilla Barrientos- Priscilla is the mommy to twin angels named Hope and Faith, their big sister Violet likes to call them Apple and Blueberry she organized a blanket drive to donate to Hope’s Door Women’s Shelter.

She wrote: “In all of Baby Marc's pictures, he's swaddled lovingly in a beautiful blue blanket.  And, the blanket you made for our Iris was definitely a token of love. I realized that the women and children who are driven to this homeless shelter should have access to a nice and cozy warm blanket too.  A little piece of love to be wrapped up in, love to you both this Christmas weekend.”

Emily Click- Emily is the mommy of an angel named Bentley, she helped a lady at her work out by holding her baby for her even though it was very difficult to hold a baby so soon after her son died.

Nolvia Varela- Nolvia is the mommy of beautiful angel Jacob Teran, she wrote Marc this sweet letter. “I am glad to have met your mom, she’s a wonderful woman and you are so lucky to have her and your daddy.  You were too beautiful! I hope your parents and other family members can have a peaceful day today and take care of your baby sibling coming soon!”

Michele Robertson-purchased a drink for a lady at Starbucks and told her that she was doing an act of kindness for our sweet Marcus.

She wrote:”When I got back into my car the song “Angels among Us” came on the radio…baby Marc is an angel…Merry Christmas.”

Tangible Things

I got my memorial tattoo for baby Marc is August of 2011, the month after he died but I have not had a chance to include the experience on my blog because I did not start blogging until October. I thought about what I wanted for several weeks. I knew from the start that I had to get something tattooed on my body. Losing my son had changed me, I would never be the same and I needed something that would be an outward symbol of these changes and also a beautiful tribute to my sweet babies brief life. I had thought about his feet print or maybe the Celtic motherhood knot but nothing I looked at seemed to inspire me enough. I wanted something that was colorful and beautiful, not just a simple black tattoo and I knew I wanted it on my foot.  I started looking up meanings of different flowers and my friend Stephanie found the meaning of cherry blossoms and I knew immediately that is what I wanted.  I read this part of the description and was instantly in tears.

The cherry blossom tree is known for its short yet brilliant blooming season which ends with an inevitable fall to the ground. The Cherry Blossom meaning and symbolism is translated into the traditional Japanese Samurai spirit, the belief that life is short and beautiful, like the Cherry Blossom Flower's life span.

How perfect! My sweet baby Marc's life was short but so beautiful. The cherry blossoms are only in full bloom for about one or two weeks out of the year, they are celebrated and cherished. It just seemed like such a wonderful symbolism. Not to mention they also have other meanings that went well.

The cherry blossom tree is one of the most popular good luck symbols in Japanese tradition. Cherry blossom meaning in tattoo also signifies overcoming an obstacle in life. The cherry blossom tree meaning in tattoos signifies fertility and nobility. This is because in ancient Japan, people threw parties to showcase their beautiful blooming cherry trees. And the members of the high society graced these occasions. It is said that the cherry blossom showers a person with love and happiness, thus indicating good luck.

I would have my symbol of baby Marc's short life and also a good luck charm for the future. I drew the tattoo myself and found an awesome artist, Hannah from Royal One Tattoo in Fort Worth. My mom and Amber went with me and they also got a portion of the tattoo that I drew in their foot. My sister Jessica lives in Austin and she got a different design but still cherry blossoms on her side in remembrance of baby Marc. I was glad that my friend Amber agreed to go first because I was nervous. I have one small tattoo of a treble clef and music note on my hip but I got that when I was 19 and it took all of 5 minutes. This was going to take about an hour and a half and although I had just delivered Marc naturally I still feel like I am a wimp when it comes to physical pain. As I waited for Amber to get her tattoo I remember sitting by my mom and breaking down. I was happy that I was there doing something to remember baby Marc but it had only been four weeks and all I could think about was what I should be doing instead. I should not be here getting a tattoo, I thought, I should be at home snuggling with my tiny newborn boy. I got it together and took my turn, it really was not that bad of pain but it was no picnic either.

I don't need physical reminders to think of my sweet boy but it is nice to have them around. I have Marc's pictures all over the house, I had a miniature sculpture made of him, I had his name written in the sand and the picture is hanging in my room as well, I have necklace pendants, buttons, a beautiful snow globe with his picture, he has an in progress scrapbook, and a memory box.  It is nice to have these tangible things around to remember him with and it will be wonderful to have his little brothers and sisters grow up with his presence. Every time I look down at my foot and see my beautiful flowers I think of my sweet Marcus. I have five cherry blossoms in every stage of bloom and a one cherry blossom petal falling to symbolize the brevity of life.

Baby Marc's Stocking Project

Our sweet Marcus would be five months old tomorrow. The holidays have been hard. Thanksgiving was completely awful. If you know me you know that I try with all my might to be positive and live my life as if Marc were here but sometimes you just have to let yourself succumb to the sadness for a little while. I know I have so many things to be thankful for but this Thanksgiving all I could think about was what I did not have, what I did not get to experience and what I should be doing. I should have been dressing baby Marc in a cute Thanksgiving outfit and taking him to see his daddy's family for his first Thanksgiving. I was up at 3:30am to open at Starbucks Thanksgiving morning and so when we went to Marc's aunts house I was sleep deprived and depressed. His family is so loving and the greeting and hugs were nice but overwhelming at the same time. As the family gathered for a prayer I could feel myself about to lose it and sure enough about two sentence into the prayer I broke down. Marc had to practically carry me to another room and I was sobbing so hard I was hyperventilating.

I am hoping that Christmas will not be as bad as Thanksgiving. I was downplaying the holidays for the past few months, I thought that they would not be that difficult. How could they be any worse than what I was already feeling? Now that the holidays are upon us I can see why they are hard. Part of it might be because in November we hit our four month mark. A time often talked about at the MEND support group as being a time when for whatever strange reason a new wave of grief floods into your world. Maybe four months is when some of the shock starts to wear off. I can see that because the moments where I have real clarity that this is my life now come more often. This is my life. This is my life, living without my baby. The realization that this is something I will have to endure always and there is no waking up from this nightmare seems more real than ever. Maybe it is because the holidays are a time when everyone seems to be so happy and they are spending time with their families. How can we be happy with such a huge part of our family missing? Usually I have my tree up the day after Thanksgiving and I have forced my poor husband to string the lights around the house but it is now December 4th and still no tree or lights. I still have pumpkins that I had planned to try and carve sitting on the front porch.  We have been looking for ways to incorporate Marc into our traditions and to keep his memory alive in our family. I know that Marc and I will give baby Marc many little brothers and sisters and my hope is that we will be able to raise those children knowing about him and loving their big brother. We already started one thing that was suggested to us by some mothers in our support group. Every year we will pick a little boy from the Salvation Army Angel tree who is about how old Marc would be and get a gift for him. We also asked our friends and family who were planning on getting Marc a gift to do this as well and send us a picture or the angel tree info and what they purchase so I can put it in baby Marc's scrapbook.  It was really hard to go shopping for the little 8 month old we picked this year and I cried after we bought him a coat and a thermal shirt.  I could not help but think that I should be shopping for Christmas presents for Marcus. Marc reminded me that this is how things are and all we can do is find ways to remember our sweet boy and create a legacy for him. It is something that Rebekah Brewer Mitchell, the amazing woman who started the MEND (mommies enduring neonatal death) group, says often. She says that we have to create a legacy for our babies since they are not here to do it themselves.



I used to love the Elvis Christmas song Blue Christmas, and this year it takes on a new meaning for me. Marc and I will most likely have a very blue Christmas but there is something you can do to brighten our day. A day when I will be fighting off the "I should" thoughts. I should be watching a five and a half month old laugh at the Christmas wrapping paper. I should be taking him to get his picture made with Santa. The "I should be" list is forever long.

I should be watching him open his stocking on Christmas morning, I should have a stocking for Marc filled with baby toys but instead I am asking you to help me fill his stocking with things that will help create a legacy for him.
I am challenging you to please do one random act of kindness for someone between now and Christmas. It can be small, it can be big, just as long as it is something that is kind and as long as you as you are doing it you are thinking of our sweet baby Marcus. Once you have completed your random act of kindness please email me at jenaleajohnson@yahoo.com with a short description of what you did. In the subject line please write DO NOT OPEN RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS or something along those lines. This way I will not read them, instead I will print them out immediately, fold them up and tuck them away into baby Marc's stocking. Marc and I will open the stocking on Christmas morning and instead of thinking of what we should be doing we will be able to read about all the good things you did in honor of our baby. This will be so comforting to us and I know I am giving you only 20 days for this project but it would mean so much if you could please consider doing this for us.

A Different Kind Of Marathon

Last June I had just graduated from college and I was feeling what I imagine a lot of new college grads feel, "what now?" I needed something to work toward other than just getting a job.  All through school your working for so long with this one goal in mind and that becomes your purpose, without that purpose I felt lost. My first solution was grad school but that was expensive and I really did not have a reason to go so I scratched that idea fairly quickly. I finally decided that running a marathon would be a good idea. It would give me a goal to focus on and work towards in this in-between phase of my life.  I found the San Antonio Rock and Roll Marathon which would be run in November and it looked like the one for me. A full marathon seemed a little much to start out with so Marc and I decided we would both train over the next five months for the half marathon which is 13.1 miles.  We got new shoes and began our training with a lot of energy.

At the end of August, after hearing me talk about how much I wanted to start a family and have a baby for many months Marc came to me and said "let's do it, lets try for a baby!" I was beyond excited. I was just waiting for him to be ready! We decided to start trying the next month because my insurance was kicking in at Starbucks in October.  We also continued training for our marathon.  When race day came on November 14th, 2010 I was about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant with baby Marc. 

We were so happy and after months of training we were so ready to run our race. 

Marc ran ahead of me and finished in about 2.5 hours and I ran the whole thing stopping only once for one minute to check that my heart rate was not getting too high for pregnancy. I finished in 2 hours and 55 minutes, my goal was to finish in less than three hours. What a great feeling it is to finish something like that! We joked that one day I could tell baby Marc that he ran a marathon before he was born. 

The marathon was completed and over. I no longer felt that in-between feeling that I had felt after graduating. I was going to be a mommy!  Working at Starbucks we open so early that I can work a full day and be off by 11am so that Marc could watch him while I was at work and we would not have to worry about day care.  So what if I was having trouble finding a teaching job, I would just work at Starbucks 20 hours a week to keep insurance and be an almost stay at home mom for baby Marc's first year. I had my purpose now, it was to be the best mommy to Marcus as I could be!  I started my "how to be a mommy" marathon training. I read about birth, read books on baby sign language, articles on circumcision, I read what was in all of the vaccines that he would be getting and by month 6 I had finished all the pregnancy books and was well into the Baby's First Year book.  I invested about $800.00 in cloth diapers after spending literally weeks reading about which ones to use! I actually spent about 7 hours, no exaggeration, trying to decide which cloth wipes to buy. I painted a mural in his room, crocheted him several blankets and outfits for pictures and had so many clothes that I was convinced I would have to change his outfit twice a day so he would get a chance to fit into everything.

When July 5th came we were so happy and after months of training we were so ready to run our race.

Then suddenly and with no warning all our hopes and dreams for baby Marc and the things we were prepared to do died with him.  My purpose died.  In the weeks after baby Marc died I was desperately searching for something to focus on again. I think back to the way I felt after graduating, I had wondered what my purpose was but this new loss of purpose was so much greater than anything I could have imagined.  I thought that registering for the half marathon again would be helpful, exercising releases feel good endorphins and maybe if I had a goal to work toward it would help.  The weeks passed and for several weeks I did hit the gym pretty hard but somewhere along the way the grief sucked all my energy and I stopped training. 

I am going to say some things in this next paragraph that are irrational and I know it but they are feelings that I can't fight and sometimes they are just there. I struggle with so many things everyday, missing my son so much and the grief that goes along with that but also feelings of failure or that I don't do enough. Marcus was my purpose, I am supposed to be caring for him and protecting him right now. I am supposed to be so busy with him as my purpose that I don't have time for anything else. 

Without Marcus, without a baby to care for, I am left to care only for my grief. The grief sucks more energy out than I imagine a newborn could but still I feel bad for things like not being able to get a teaching job or not being able to keep the house clean enough.  I take everything that I can't do so personally as a failure on my part. I mean I have already failed to protect my baby, the ultimate failure! Then at the end of the month when I am not pregnant again I have failed. When the hospital bills come every month I feel guilty that I am not able to help Marc by contributing more to our family financially.  I feel guilty for the money I spent that probably should have gone to those bills but in those first months after baby Marc died getting out of the house to go to dinner or the mall with friends was a form of therapy. I guess there are worse things I could have resorted to other than just buying new things. Sometimes I feel like I am doing anything good enough, with no baby to take care of and no financial way to help what is my purpose.

Marc is amazing and he tells me all the time how proud he is of me and how strong I have been. He helps me to fight these feelings of failure. I can't imagine where I would be without him and he amazes me with his openness and unwavering support. With his help I have come to realize that I still have a purpose. I have purpose in our marriage and in the family that we will continue to build.  We are on a new path and baby Marc is still my purpose just not in the same way.

Mom's with newborns complain how they can't clean the house or exercise because they are so busy caring for their babies. I am sure they feel similar feelings of failure, not being able to be supermom and get everything done. 

I may not have my baby here to care for but I am working hard to care for this grief. The difference is grief offers no reward like caring for a baby.  It's just hard and dirty work.  Sometimes I just can't make myself get up and run or clean the entire house but maybe I can just run one mile, maybe I can just do the dishes. I am learning that I should be happy for the things I can do and stop beating myself up about the things I can't do.  


I will be running this marathon with my grief for the rest of my life. I can only hope that my endurance will build and one day it won't be so exhausting.

The literal marathon is on Sunday and I am not prepared like I was last year. I am not confident that I can do it successfully but I am going to try.  I may not be able to run the whole thing like I did last year. I may have to stop and catch my breath. I may have to walk or even crawl across the finish line but I have come to see that the real triumph is that at least I am out there trying.

"A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying."
B. F. Skinner 

“The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is.”
Lenny Bruce 

Crossing the finish line last year!

Marc & I with our medals

We can do anything together!

A Poem From My Brother

This is a poem my little brother Tyler Fetter wrote for me. I love it, he is amazing!

A flower snipped before it's bloom,
Holds beauty just the same.
It's petals held within a shell,
For a spring which never came.

It's easy yet to feel such gloom,
But sorrows but his cost,
And though great it's yet a shallow price,
To pay for what was lost.

Could you undo the world?
To spite the pain it wrought?
Though I'd gladly live it all again,
I shudder at the thought.

And while it's true he'll never live
The sights he ought to see,
He shall not wilt as we will age
And in our hearts forever be.

-Tyler Fetter