A work in progress :) Thank you to everyone who has submitted a name photo already! I love looking through them. Once I have a bunch more I will make them into a book for baby Jack to look at and think about his big brother Marc.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Tired
I am having another wave of depression and anxiety this week, hoping it does not last too long. I am finding it very hard to fight tears and deep dark places. I have not cried like I have been crying this week in a very long time. My positive outlook on things seems farther and farther from my grasp and I am very dependent on Marc to tell me that things are going to be ok. My little sister had my beautiful nephew on Tuesday and I am so happy for her but at the same time sad for reasons I can't explain, partly because I am jealous and a little sad that I can't help being jealous.
Baby Marc's birthday is just 14 days away. I feel like I am in that first stage of grief again. Grieving for what I could have had with baby Marc but was cheated out of. Trying to accept the reality of the situation and stop replaying traumatic memories over and over. As I watched the video of my little nephew screaming and crying after being delivered all I could think of was how silent our sweet little Marc was, not one precious cry. I cry because that memory is sad but then I am angry that here I am watching my sweet nephew on his birthday and I can't appreciate the beauty of that fully since I am so overwhelmed with grief for what I lost.
That isn't the only thing though.
This is a strange feeling and I am not sure how to explain it but this time last year I was just a little farther along in my pregnancy so a lot of times I feel like I am taken back to last year through smell or other sensation. When I smell a certain lotion I use in the summer or do something I did last summer I feel transported back to this time last year. Then I have memories of how happy I was and then how devastated.
I remember all the things I tried to do to pass the time and just make it through the days. I feel like this is going to actually be my reality again. I feel like Jack's birthday is going to come as Marc's did and then I will be coming home empty handed again. I feel like I know what I will be doing, things like wearing a tight sports bra and stuffing cabbage leaves in it so that my milk will go away. I can picture myself doing these things this year so vividly.
I try to picture myself having Jack home and I just feel foolish.I feel like keeping their babies is something that other people get to do.
I need to start on the hypno babies home study course a friend let me borrow but I have been putting it off because I still don't want to think about the birth. It will probably help me be more positive so I really need to just make myself start.
I just know the next 8 weeks are going to be very hard and I am so very tired.
Baby Marc's birthday is just 14 days away. I feel like I am in that first stage of grief again. Grieving for what I could have had with baby Marc but was cheated out of. Trying to accept the reality of the situation and stop replaying traumatic memories over and over. As I watched the video of my little nephew screaming and crying after being delivered all I could think of was how silent our sweet little Marc was, not one precious cry. I cry because that memory is sad but then I am angry that here I am watching my sweet nephew on his birthday and I can't appreciate the beauty of that fully since I am so overwhelmed with grief for what I lost.
That isn't the only thing though.
This is a strange feeling and I am not sure how to explain it but this time last year I was just a little farther along in my pregnancy so a lot of times I feel like I am taken back to last year through smell or other sensation. When I smell a certain lotion I use in the summer or do something I did last summer I feel transported back to this time last year. Then I have memories of how happy I was and then how devastated.
I remember all the things I tried to do to pass the time and just make it through the days. I feel like this is going to actually be my reality again. I feel like Jack's birthday is going to come as Marc's did and then I will be coming home empty handed again. I feel like I know what I will be doing, things like wearing a tight sports bra and stuffing cabbage leaves in it so that my milk will go away. I can picture myself doing these things this year so vividly.
I try to picture myself having Jack home and I just feel foolish.I feel like keeping their babies is something that other people get to do.
I need to start on the hypno babies home study course a friend let me borrow but I have been putting it off because I still don't want to think about the birth. It will probably help me be more positive so I really need to just make myself start.
I just know the next 8 weeks are going to be very hard and I am so very tired.
32 Week Pregnancy Update For Our Rainbow Jack
Fruit comparison is a squash. He is about 17 inches long from head to feet and according to the weight estimate we got two weeks ago at our ultrasound he was about 3lbs 11ounces.
How far along:
32 WEEKS!!!! Only 8 weeks left...maybe less!
Total weight gain:
I was 220 lbs as of two weeks ago. I have surpassed my max weight when I was pregnant with Marc, I was 215 when I weighed myself the day before he was born. I am not too worried about it since I did not have time to loose the baby Marc weight I was heavier to begin with so I figured I would surpass it a little. I will just have some work to do after Jack gets here.
Sleep:
Sleep is awful! I wake up at least once every hour to pee or switch sides because my hips hurt so bad or my arm is asleep. This makes me tired all the time no matter what time I go to bed or how long of a nap I take.
Maternity Clothes:
Dresses, yoga gaucho pants and fitted maternity shirts is what I’m most comfy in still. However I don't go too many placed so mostly I am in a night gown or shirt and undies around the house. The less clothes the better! It is very very hot! Still not as hot as this time last year and I was a month further along this time last year so I am grateful for that.
Found out from motherhood maternity that I am now an E-F cup size for nursing bras! Crazy!
Food cravings:
I have cut down on my Sonic kick lately...it was starting to get expensive to get a drink there everyday. I still love their ice and like to chew on it so I get a route 44 ice water every once and a while. Not really a lot of cravings. I actually have lost my appetite lately and I don't usually feel too hungry until I am dizzy and realize I haven't had breakfast or something. Marc has to remind me to eat...I know it is bad and I am not sure why but that is the way it is. I have been better about remembering to make myself eat even when I don't feel hungry though.
Food aversions:
Not really anything anymore.
Symptoms I HAVE:
Heartburn-but only when I drink too much OJ or eat bad junk food.
Dizzy Spells-at least one a day no matter how much I eat or drink.
Swollen feet
Back pain, hip pain, round ligament pain, general muscle soreness and overall aches and pains pretty much everywhere.
Headaches
Some nausea when I get too hot
Rapid heart rate when I do even a little activity
Fatigue
Stretchmarks:
Maybe a few new ones...not sure :)
Doctor’s Appointment:
Everything looked great at our 30 week scan, we got to see him in 4D and very happy my doctor is so understanding about our circumstance because she offers a sonogram every time we go now. We will be continue getting extra sonograms to check on Jack mainly to put my mind at ease.
After drawing my blood work twice in a row now I have low platelets still and slightly low iron. My platelet count was even lower than the first time they discovered it was low so I have to see a hematologist on July 2nd for further testing.
Movement:
He is always moving! I still can't really make out wake and sleep patterns because it feels like he is always doing something crazy. I would say he is most active early morning, afternoon, and late at night.
Belly Button:
My belly button kind of blends in with my stomach now...it pops out a little.
Best moment of the week:
I want to say there has not been a best moment of this week because I have been pretty down but I know I should try to think of something. I guess my best moments are anytime Marc is talking to me about how everything is going to be ok.
Cooling off in the pool was a pretty good stress reliever as well.
What I’m looking forward to:
Having Jack in my arms.
Getting my hair done on the 6/30th
Maternity Pics on 7/8
Belly Casting sometime the week before my baby shower (same time during pregnancy that we did it with Marc so I can compare bellies)
Prenatal massage and Pedicure 7/13
Baby shower on the 7/15
What I miss:
Energy
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